Elliot: How is it going?
J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched the water and the only thing I've had to eat all days is half a jelly fish!

Carla: If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who's Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan! ...No!
Elliot: He's this guy that I've been going out with for a while, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?

Elliot: We have a very complicated past.
J.D.: Yeah, I hurt her, and I'm not proud.
J.D.'s narration: I'm a little proud.

Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
J.D.: It's like pedaling in hummus!

Elliot: J.D. and I keep it superficial.
J.D.: Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!
Elliot: Oh thanks buddy!
J.D.: Sparkly.
Elliot: Yeah!

J.D.: Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.: Did it involve chains?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Whips?
Elliot: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Candle wax?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Role-playing?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Lasers?
Elliot: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Hamsters?
Elliot: Negative.
J.D.: Was he a Mexican apple thief?
Elliot: If only...

J.D.'s narration: A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.
J.D.: I can't.
Elliot: Come on!
J.D.'s narration: That man had obviously never run a triathlon.

Elliot: Okay! How about opening up sexually? What's your wildest fantasy?
Jake: Yeah... it's not happening.
Elliot: Come on! Sometimes in bed, I feel like I'm the only one screamin'!
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse - all the screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy...

Carla: So then I said, "What if our son wants to take dance class instead of play football with his friends?" and Turk ran off singing "Safety Dance."
Elliot: Carla, didn't you learn your lesson that time you told him the commissar was in town?
Carla: Yeah...

J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?
Elliot: I don't know! You tell me.
J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.

So first, my fellowship gets canceled because some jackass cures the disease, and now the only job I can get is working at this crappy free clinic for eight bucks an hour. No one's life could be worse than mine!
(Elliot is revealed to be talking to a double amputee.)

Elliot: J.D., what you said before...I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.
J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: You were wrong and I was right.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
J.D.: Anosmia isn't a side-effect of I.V. Imipenem. Plus, Mr. Blair had multiple nasal polypectomies, and septoplasty; and his loss of smell is most likely caused by repeated manipulation of the sinuses along with concurrent infection. So, I didn't make a mistake; and you were wrong when you said, "Nice goin', Newbie."
Dr. Cox: Here you've put me in a tough situation: I can't honestly decide whether to say, "Duh," uh, "Doy," or a very sarcastic, "Oh, really?" My God, Fiona, I know it wasn't your fault; hell, the patient probably knows! But he seemed a little distraught, like maybe being able to blame somebody for a second or two just might make him feel a little better? And, I know, maybe it's me, but doesn't that seem like something that goes right along with wearing that fancy white coat? It... does, doesn't it.
J.D.: Kinda.
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I'm so proud of ya. Put her there.
He hold out his hand
Dr. Cox: Woof.
J.D.'s Narration: "Woof?"

Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: Big bag of money...
Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!